Golden Slumbers
by missmerrymak
Summary: The reality of Jenny and Gibbs's relationship was not perfect, far from it in fact. And it certainly didn't include the possibility of a future together. But she would think of it anyway, all of it.


**A/N: No I am not a poet and no I do not usually right poetry but this just popped into my head and didn't work in sentence form. It's kind of a third person omniscient point of view and pretty reflective. If you didn't know, the title is the song Golden Slumbers by the Beatles. It kind of sets the mood for the story so listen while you read. (Rated T because mention of sex and shooting people.)**

**And yes I am still working on my other stories don't worry. **

**Tag to: Kill Ari, Lost and Found, Jeopardy and Judgment Day **

Theirs wasn't something she took great pride in

It was secretive and deceitful

And not at all pretty

But _damn_ was the sex good

If she dare say

The best she'll never have

Never have his trust

Never have his love

Never have _him_

To call her own

She never had and she never will

Though a girl could dream

It was hard she had to admit

To leave him with a letter

Downright cruel

Almost

Maybe

If she hadn't been so hopelessly in love

It would have been easier

But she was

And she wasn't the one at fault

Right?

It didn't matter

It was done and she couldn't do anything about it

She cried herself to sleep every night

For a while

And wondered if he did too

She wondered if he _ever_ loved her

And when she turned around and spoke

With a smirk and an amused glint in her eyes

"Hello Jethro"

She couldn't tell

No matter how much she liked to pretend

She could never tell what he was thinking

He could though

And she hated him for it

They tried not to think about the past

But it came seeping into everything she did

She wondered if he ever sat and remembered

Did it matter

She didn't know

They were civil

But she wanted more

What had happened to Pre-Paris Jenny and Gibbs

That's what she called them now

Pre-Paris

Because when they met again in MTAC

They were different people

Maybe that's why it wasn't working

She doubted it

She asked him to stay the night

Indirectly

Maybe he said no because there was a child sleeping upstairs

Maybe it was because he didn't want to be with her

"What happened Jethro"

She had asked

Face emotionless

"You made a choice"

Those eerily calm words cut through her like a knife

She almost curled her lip in disgust

Why had she made that choice

Yes she did regret it

On some level

And yes he refused to forgive her

Even if it was a silent apology

That she only said in her head

He was floating in and out of her thoughts

Jethro

It was true

He thought of her as a wife

But when he shot her captor

Was he thinking about him like he was Pedro Hernandez

She doubted it

Most days she refused to think about what

Could have

Would have

Should have happened

If she had made different choices

But it was late at night

And she had been kidnapped earlier

If she hadn't left where would they be today

Hadn't she taken that promotion

She wondered

She would still be working as a field agent

But would she be with Jethro

Would they be married

Would a little boy or girl be running around their house

Would _both_ be

Would they live happily ever after

Her head hurt thinking about it

Who was she kidding

She didn't want just Pre-Paris Jen and Jethro

She wanted_ him_

She wanted his love

She ached just to wrap her arms around his neck

And run her fingers through his hair

And absentmindedly draw patterns in his chest

And hold him

_God_ she wanted to hold him

She needed it

But he was gone

Mexico

On his margarita safari

Shannon and Kelly

When she found out

She was so conflicted

She wanted to throw herself at him

Yet at the same time

She wanted to stay as far away from him as she could

She felt desperate when she thought about him

Taking advantage of a man who just lost his wife and daughter

She couldn't imagine

He had changed

She had changed

She knew

Now there was no hope for them

And things got icy

The people they were ten years ago were not who they were now

But it wasn't about them _then_

It was about them _now_

And they barely spoke

And neither smiled anymore

She was dying

And she didn't want to put that weight on his shoulders

Even if he did care

But she didn't know

Because whenever they saw each other

All they did was radiate ice

And anger

For everything that he had done

And she had done

She had to admit

She could have done some things differently

But it didn't matter now

It was done

And he hated her for it

And _she_ hated her for it

If only

Right?

The secrets

Pedro Hernandez

The Benoit's

Paris

And Svetlana

What had she done

Why did she have to be such a probie

Just suck it up and do it

She had told herself

But with the gun shaking in her gloved hand

And Svetlana beginning to relax

She knew it was the beginning of the end

He would have killed his target

Whenever she looked at him she thought of it

Maybe it was a reason she left him

If only she had the guts to tell him

If only she had let Decker tell him

They could have gotten out of Paris clean

They had never said it to each other

Those three little words

But she wondered that if he would have said it

Would he have meant it

She often thought about that

And knew that if she had ever said it

She would have meant it

For the longest time

All she thought about was their time in Paris

She dwelled on it

And thrived in it

But she had come to realize

That not everything was what it seemed

And that there was no black and white

Everything was in the shadows

So maybe

Just maybe

At one time

He had loved her

Because she knew she did

Lying there

Taking her last breaths

She wished

Among many things

That she had finished that letter

Lying there in her study

With only two words elegantly scrawled on it

Dear Jethro

She was going to leave it in her Will

After she was dead and gone

Because she knew she only had a year left

At most

She hoped it would explain some things

And if she had finished that letter

Maybe the two of them could have found closure

All she needed to say was

I love you


End file.
